I am in the passenger’s seat of the cab.
It is dark. We’re driving along a bridge of sorts. We are headed to the Berlin Tegel Airport.
Oh my God, this is such a fucked up situation. This is so motherfucking fucked up.
I cannot believe I just completely forgot, Jesus. Jesus Christ.
Jesus!
How long till we get to the airport?
I look at the driver.
He’s like Turkish I think. Looks like late twenties.
Not too long, we’ll be there soon.
I’m berating myself in my seat.
Jesus Mayowa, Jesus. How could you fuck up like this- How? Howwww???
I’m just getting back to the dorms at Adalbertstrasse. I think I went out for a skate.
A couple of classmates are on the sidewalk.
I see Jakob.
Fiona is heading inside the building.
Colette is talking to Jakob.
“I think you just need to take time to figure your shit out. You shouldn’t bring her into your confusion…”
I’m somewhat disturbed. I wonder why she’d be saying that to him.
I think it’s very unfair. She’s speaking so harshly to him, and protecting Fiona- her friend- his girlfriend.
I think that’s very prejudiced. Very very. Fiona herself is a problematic person who very well does her part in making his life miserable. But he’s the one getting the scalding words.
I feel bad for him.
When he’s done talking with Colette, I walk up to him and ask if he’d like us to walk back together to Sonnenallee where his apartment is.
He says not tonight, that he’ll prefer to walk back on his own.
I say okay.
A couple weekends ago he messaged me, inviting me to come join him and some buddies at Skatehalle.
Skatehalle is a skatepark.
I think there’s a sizeable halfpipe there. I think that was where they were. At the halfpipe.
I’ve got no experience with halfpipes. I’m comfortable skateboarding on roads, some hills, but skateparks- not really. Every now and then I spend some time at the mini-skatepark at Warschauer Strasse.
Usually I’m supposed to be in class. But no, I’m at Warschauer Strasse. Skateboarding and thinking about my life and racking up academic penalties, while I wonder how exactly you’re supposed to skate on the smooth concrete lump in the middle of skatepark.
I was also somewhat occupied that day. So I couldn’t go hang out at Skatehalle.
I am strolling along the sidewalk with Sadie.
Sadie is the Resident Assistant for my room and a couple others.
We’re talking.
She’s asking me how the semester has been.
I say it’s been problematic.
She asks how so.
I say it’s not clear. That I’m completely immersed in the problems so I don’t have the perspective to properly evaluate them.
She smiles and says “Oh yeah the thing about the fish being in water, and how it would possibly know that it was in water”.
I say yes. Just like that.
We keep talking.
At some point I mention that I don’t feel like there’s room within the school programme to explore my personal passions.
She asks about these passions. Asks if they’re related to Social Change. It appears some people have similar concerns. About not having room to explore passions.
We keep talking.
I am walking up the staircase of the dorm building.
My head is swimming in the miry uncertainty of my very near future:
This semester is over. We’re in late December.
The next semester begins in January.
We’re to move to Argentina. From Berlin. For the new semester.
I’ve never been this uncomfortable about travelling to a new country. I didn’t even know it was possible to dread a flight to a new continent this way.
With respect to academics, this semester has been horrible. Horrendous. Absolutely horrifying. Everything is fucked up. Superlatively fucked up. Nothing makes any sense.
What I need right now, is a break. I need time to sit down on the ground somewhere for a few months and stare blankly into space, while I process all of the things that have recently happened to me.
That Buenos Aires flight is not happening, no. I am not going put myself through another few months of this.
No.
Nah.
Nuh.
Uhn uhn.
Someone calls my name. It’s Sadie. The Resident Assistant.
She says her parents are around. Asks if I would like to join the family for dinner.
I smile and say thanks, but maybe another time.
Dinner is the least of my problems right now.
I keep heading up the stairs.
I am in the sitting room of the apartment I share with two flatmates. They’ve both gone home for the holidays. One to Argentina and the other to Turkey. That’s if they’re spending Christmas in their countries of origin.
Sadie is here with me.
She’s typing on my computer. We’re sending an email to Barbara.
I asked for Sadie’s help with the intricacies of my situation:
My German visa expires this December.
I need to fly somewhere.
I recently applied for a gap year. The request was approved, which was wonderful.
Now I just don’t know where to go.
My US student visa is still valid for another year, but I’m not going to the US. I have no plans to get a job or anything of such. I just need time and space to think about my life. The US doesn’t seem like it’ll be conducive for that. Especially at such short notice.
Nigeria is a no no. The boy who travelled to the USA to study, is supposed to come back with pockets brimming with US dollars.
I have no dollars in my pockets, and I have no answers for all of the questions that await me there. So no.
—
We’re asking Barbara if there’s some last-minute internship work I could do, to raise some money. Sadie came up with that very valuable idea.
I plan to fly to one of the (few, given my Nigerian passport) countries I can travel to, without needing a visa.
I recently decided on Cape Verde. Information online says it’s visa-free for Nigerian passports, and the flight ticket from Berlin is not too expensive.
Sadie says Opodo is where she books her flights.
We go through Berlin – Cape Verde flights on Opodo. I think the website looks nice. The fonts look chubby and cute somehow.
I am at Barbara’s office.
We’re booking the Cape Verde fight.
I think someone somewhere is lending me the money. A staff at the college HQ in San Francisco. Something like that. We’re using her card. Very generous of her.
The flight is booked. I express my gratitude to Barbara.
I have a little over a week of internship work, to raise some money.
I am in the bathroom of my apartment.
I am lying in the bathtub. The tub is full of warm water.
December in Berlin has been somewhat cold, and very dull. I don’t even see the sun anywhere. I find myself walking sleepily around the city, just looking for it.
All of that increases the appeal of warm bathtub soaks. Plus all of my flatmates are gone. I’ve got the entire place to myself.
The bathroom is saturated with steam.
The walls are reverberating with sad poignant music. I’m probably playing Daughter.
It’s been about a week since we booked the Cape Verde flight.
I’ve been working with Barbara. Moving stuff. Chairs. Sofas. Stuff from the dorm apartments.
Right now things are not so bad. The real uncertainty now lies in the next few days. I’ll be flying to a country I have absolutely no experience with, and know little about. I’m taking the time to mentally prepare myself.
My things are ready to be packed.
What am I going to do for income generation in Cape Verde? I have no idea. Well I have some ideas, but I don’t know. There’s a lot to think about. A lot.
I should pack my things. Get ready to move out of the apartment.
Hold on, when exactly is the flight?
I know we’re in the temporal vicinity, but I’m actually not sure of the precise day and time. Somehow that has felt like a secondary detail in the face of spending an entire year in an unfamiliar country where I know no one.
Knowing the precise time of the flight has so far felt like the smallest of my concerns.
Hold on, I think I should go check. So I can begin to make the final steps of checking out.
I step out of the bathroom.
I walk into my room, warm water dripping on the ribbed wooden floor.
I open up the computer.
Hm, where’s the calendar.
Hm.
Hm, an event is about to begin. Something happens in the next few minutes.
Hm, I don’t recall booking anything for today. The semester is over. I wonder what event I’d still be booking on the calendar.
I take a closer look at the calendar.
YEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
YEH YEH YEH YEH YEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I am finished!!!!
HAHHHHHH!!!!
THE FLIGHT IS IN A FEW MINUTES!!!!!!!!
JEEESSSUUUUSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
JEEEESSSUUUSSSS CHRIISTTTTTT!!!!!!
HAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
And I was there soaking in the bathtub!!!!!!!
HAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
YEEEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
A FLIGHT WE BOOKED WITH BORROWED MONEYYY!!!
I am at the door of Joy’s apartment.
Joy is a classmate from Nigeria. We’ve been moving furniture together with Barbara.
I am knocking frantically.
Joy opens the door.
From her face she was either sleeping, or she recently woke up.
I begin to explain my situation.
I need a taxi to get me to the airport. I’ve not had a reason to book a cab since I got to Berlin, so I don’t know how to do it.
I looked online briefly before deciding it would be best to talk with someone who already had experience.
Joy says okay, and helps me book a cab. Joy is a lifesaver.
I am in the passenger’s seat of the cab.
It is dark. We’re driving along a bridge of sorts. We are headed to the Berlin Tegel Airport.
Oh my God, this is such a fucked up situation. This is so motherfucking fucked up.
I cannot believe I just completely forgot, Jesus. Jesus Christ.
How long till we get to the airport?
I look at the driver.
He’s like Turkish I think.
Not too long, we’ll soon be there.
I’m berating myself in my seat.
Jesus Mayowa, Jesus. How could you fuck up like this- How? Howwww???
This post is directly connected with a number of others. An index of these other posts can be accessed here.
Image: Somewhere in the dorms.
Mayowa Osibodu's Blog. 